The Top Five Songs About Penises

Considering how focused most guys are on it, it is surprising that there are not a lot more songs about the penis. Think about it. Men have written lyrics about love; ballads about beauty�why not songs about schlongs?

Because no matter what they say about love, poetry and the theater, there are few things that a man is more attached to�both literally and figuratively�than his penis.

So without further ado, Badmouth proudly presents: The Top Five Songs About Penises.

5. Detachable Penis – King Missile

 ”Even though sometimes it’s a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.”

We start with Detachable Penis by King Missile, who briefly rode their ode to removable genitalia all the way to the top in 1993. Well maybe not to the top, per se, but they definitely rode Detachable Penis somewhere.

Fusing avant gard jazz beats with spoken-word lyrics, Detachable Penis is actually a pretty cool song. But on the down side, they come right out and say the word “penis” in the title. That shows a general lack of willie-inspired creativity.

Baloney Pony Trivia: Detachable Penis was featured in an early episode of Beavis and Butthead.

4. The Penis Song (Not Noel Coward) – Monty Python

“Isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn’t it frightfully good to have a dong?”

As this is a Monty Python song, it can generally be assumed that it is the work of Python alum Eric Idle who sang The Penis Song in The Meaning of Life. Like many of Idle’s songs, it is both supremely silly and irresistibly catchy. But the catchiness may work against it in this case, as you don’t want to get caught walking down the street singing about your “one-eyed trouser snake” as a general rule of thumb. I have no idea how Noel Coward fits into the song. Being an American, I have very little idea who Noel Coward is. But I strongly feel he belongs in the title at any rate.

Baloney Pony Trivia: The Monty Python movie The Life of Brian was banned in Scotland for obscenity. One of the running gags in the movie is that Pontius Pilate has a gay lover named “Biggus Dickus.”

3. My Ding-a-Ling – Chuck Berry

“My ding a ling, my ding a ling,
I want you to play with my ding a ling.”

Released in 1955, Chuck Berry’s Maybelline is widely credited as the first complete rock and roll record. Berry followed Maybelline with other hits, including Johnny B. Goode, Roll Over Beethoven, Rock and Roll Music and more. But despite all the success, this rock pioneer never had a record achieve number one status. My Ding-a-Ling was a New Orleans novelty tune that Berry had been singing for years. It was finally included on a live album that Berry recorded in 1970 and was released as a single later that year. Fifteen years after Maybelline, Berry finally had a number one hit thanks to the little man downstairs.

Baloney Pony Trivia: Berry was convicted of secretly videotaping women in the bathroom of his restaurant in Wentzville, Mo. No word on whether he asked them to play with his ding-a-ling.

2. Monster – Fred Schneider

“There’s a monster in my pants
And it does a nasty dance
When it moves in and out
Everybody starts to shout”

Monster is one of my favorite songs period, which puts it high on the list of penis-related pop songs, indeed. Monster was a modest hit for singer Fred Schneider, who is one-third of the vocal trio known as The B-52s. It was the no. 1 track on Schneider’s 1984 solo effort, Fred Schneider & The Shake Society. Filled with hypnotic beats, campy humor and double entendres, Monster was too hot for the bland Top 40 landscape of the ’80s, so it sadly received little airplay.

Baloney Pony Trivia: Although Fred appears to be making the ladies quite happy with the monster in his pants in the song, there is a rumor that he is in fact, well…GAY.

1. Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel

You could have a big dipper
Going up and down, all around the bends
You could have a bumper car, bumping
This amusement never ends

I want to be your sledgehammer
Why don’t you call my name?
Oh let me be your sledgehammer

Peter Gabriel is widely recognized as one of the premiere voices in art rock. He is perhaps even better known as a video pioneer. Strangely, he is virtually unknown as the writer and performer of the greatest ode to male genitalia ever created: Sledgehammer. I’ve been a fan of Gabriel’s work ever since the Shock the Monkey days, but it wasn’t until several years after the fact that I realized that Gabriel’s biggest hit was about his big hitter. I soon realized that recognizing Sledgehammer as a song about a penis at all put me ahead of the curve. Almost no one buys my theory about the song until they actually read the lyrics. At that point it’s so obvious that you’re left wondering how you failed to notice it before.The subtle hints were there even if you ignored the lyrics. The video starts out showing sperm flowing under a microscope. And the guy’s name is Peter for God’s sake. How much more obvious can you get?

Baloney Pony Trivia: Gabriel’s song Kiss the Frog is also a tribute to his male member as well as an exhortation for a woman to kiss it. That’s two songs about his penis that made the top forty. The man is a genius.