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star trek: first contact starfleet travel set

Star Trek: First Contact Starfleet Travel Set�Be prepared to face the unexpected with the Starfleet Travel Set. This set is an essential part of anyone�s Starfleet Gear�Cadet or Captain. You will fear nothing on your next intergalactic adventure with your new Starfleet Travel Set from Cosrich.�

I found this little gem in a thrift store a few weeks ago, and I had to own it. My very own �Star Trek: First Contact Starfleet Travel Set� � still new in the box, although a little rough around the edges.

The set consists of three components:

  • Star Trek Collectible Wallet
  • Soap
  • Captain�s Cologne

We shall review each item in turn.

Star Trek Collectible Wallet


Star Trek WalletFirst off, I inherently distrust anything that is labeled as �collectable.� In my long life, I have not once found anything that is labeled “collectable” that is actually collectable. But there are those people on the planet that will salivate like Pavlov�s dog just at the mention of the word �collectable,� and many of them wear Starfleet uniforms. So this was a good choice by the boys in marketing.

Another thing that strikes me is that they don�t use money in the Star Trek universe�at least not in the Federation, which Starfleet protects. So I doubt the need for a Starfleet wallet in principle. Perhaps the wallet was used exclusively by Starfleet diplomats dealing with the money-grubbing Ferrengi�but I digress.

The wallet is made out of what appears on the surface to be cheap, double-stitched blue nylon�but which I am sure is actually some sort of high-tech, futuristic space polymer. It sports a trifold design, and a Velcro clasp.

On the plus side, it had been in the package with the soap for so long, it actually picked up a quite pleasant smell. On the minus side, the wallet appears too small to actually fit, y�know, money into it. Perhaps it is the correct size to hold futuristic space money�yeah, that�s the ticket.

The wallet was made in China, showing once again that Starfleet�s Prime Directive says nothing about exploiting cheap Third World labor.

Soap


Star Trek SoapThe Star Trek: First Contact soap comes in the form of an undersized hockey puck, instead of the more traditional �bar� shape. You get 1.75 ounces of soap or 50 grams, showing that even though they may have perfected the warp drive and teleporter, future scientists have yet to settle on the metric system.

The soap is held in a paper wrapper, sealed with a �Star Trek� label on the top. It looks suspiciously like the type of soap you would find in a cheap motel.

Has anyone else noticed that all motel soap is �French milled?� I have no idea what that means, yet every bar of soap I�ve ever seen in a hotel or motel is �French milled.� A quick survey of the Internet reveals that it is quite fashionable to claim that your soap is �French milled,� but that no one ever bothers to tell the American consumer what the hell �French milling� is.

What do the French know about soap, anyway? Getting advice on bathing from the French is like getting dental advice from the British.

Captain�s Cologne


Star Trek Captain's CologneThis was the piece de resistance. The Captain�s Cologne. Perhaps this was secret elixir that would allow me to channel the raw animal charisma of James Tiberius Kirk or the brainy intellectualism of Jean-Luc Picard.

The cologne comes in a plastic flask with a screw-on cap�none of that cheap, breakable glass or crystal here! And the cologne foamed up pleasantly when I shook the bottle, but the true test was yet to come.

I unscrewed the cap.

Now, what you are really paying for when you buy cologne is the scent. And by that measure, this little plastic flask is the bargain of the century. This crap is strong. I am not good at translating smells into words, so the best I can tell you is that it is cologne-scented and that it probably repels mosquitoes, ticks and other biting insects.

Sniffing Cologne
Warning: After inhaling some of the potent cologne deep into my sinus cavities, I experienced my own form of space travel, as I danced around my apartment naked threatening to vaporize “the Klingons on Uranus.”

Who the typical Star Trek dork thinks will be attracted to “The Captain’s Cologne”

Who actually will be attracted to “The Captain’s Cologne”



That sums up the review of the individual components of the kit. Now it�s time to look at the product as a whole.

What the hell were they thinking? I mean, who was supposed to buy this crap? It would appear on the surface that this was a product intended for children, but what kid would want a gift set that included soap and cologne?

But the idea that this was for adults is equally ludicrous. The wallet is a cheap joke. The soap is a crappy gift no matter how old you are and the cologne is cheap swill.

The only people that this kit would have appealed to are die-hard Trekkies that think the cologne will help them attract alien space babes just like Jean-Luc Picard. After all, what woman isn�t attracted to the scent of a bald Frenchman?